Strangest/Funny Tannoys

[Crabman]

Well I'm a bit drunk and very bored so thought I'd ask what are the funniest/strangest station tannoys you've heard during your time?

The wife brought this up down the pub the other day after several 'sharpeners' and it made us chuckle, hers are as follows:

1) At Bruggen during a station exercise: "No duff, no duff, no duff, there is a dog in the fire section" - apparently followed by much confusion in the police/fire sections

2) At Waddington (? she couldn't remember!), after the Scottish GD bloke got bollocked for talking too fast when making tannoys (say the following as slowly as you can in a Scottish accent for that authentic effect) - " Fiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrreeeee fiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee fiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee aaaaaa fiiiiiiirrrreeeee hhhhhaaaaassssssssss beeeeeeeeennnnnn rrreeeppooorrrrrrrrttttedddddd......" etc etc

My only funny one came at a ultra top secret NATO base somewhere in the vicinity of London when some civvy contractor decided to test the station tannoy for 2 hours by announcing "This is a test 1-2-3-4-5-5-4-3-2-1". The straw that broke the camels back came when he decided to count to 50 and back down again (whilst laughing his a$$ off), within seconds a tannoy came from the guardrom asking Mr XXXXX to "desist from making further tannoys and report to the guardroom immediately".

Now my story is pretty lame and I'm sure you lot can do better.........prove me wrong!!

 

[SirSaltyHelmet]

St Mawgan mid 80s

I was sitting in local (ATC) when a blowing noise was heard through the station tannoy system. This was closely followed by

"Wahhhhay its working!!"

"1 2 3 4 5"

"Ha ha ha ha"

"Cough Cough"

There then came a rousing rendition of "Bring me the moonlight........"

There were three tannoy systems that we new of. One was in Ops, one for ATC and the third for the MGR. It transpires that a young SAC supplier by the name of Mickey Tune found what he thought was an internal tannoy in the standby WOC. Funny as fook, the SWO, a little fella with a hump was going ballisitic as there was a visit by some spanish big wigs at the time.

Mickey got away with it as he didn't say the words "Fire", "Excercise" or "Air raid warning red"
DT_Xtremez_42:

 

[shettie]

Leuchars 1976... Zob on the tannoy during taceval... "aiw waid wawnin' wed, aiw waid wawnin' wed, take cover... " Lovely diction! Entire GRF couldn't get into their respirators for laughing!

 

[shettie]

Ha! And just remembered the night shift at Staxton wold - The phantom midnight tannoyed fart!

 

[POB]

Guterslo...Again...

Guterslo...Again...

This could go on the Germany thread too...

Taceval...Local controller given a chit by the di-staff to go "mad." Shaggy then seals himself in local, and tannoys that "All non-essential SNCOs are to report the car park adjacent to the Sparkasse bank as soon as possible"

A couple more tannoys, and people start turning up, whereupon he goes onto the balcony and starts taking pot shots at them with his SLR...Di-staff turn round and say to them..."You're dead go home" Oh how we laughed.

The guardroom and the COC mean while are putting out blocking tannoys, "Ignore the last tannoy from ATC!" Shaggy saying "Ignore the last tannoy from the COC."

It could have gone on for hours, but he was eventually silenced by the SRF...


P

 

[Chaka]

Honington 1999 0600hrs - The USAF have boltholed there from Lakenheath,first day. DT_Xtremez_42:

USAF ATC Tower Controller picks up what he thinks is the internal ATC tannoy and transmits 'GOOD MORNIN' HONINGTOOOOOOOOOON, YEE HAA!' on the Stn tannoy.

Luckily the Rock chimps were all up at 0500hrs polishing their helmets, but it sure woke the rest of the unit up!DT_Xtremez_31:

 

[avtur por homme]

Lossiemouth-everyday the duty SNCO did a check of the tannoy system."this is a test of the station tannoy system 12345 54321,end of test end of broadcast."

One day the broadcast was heard to go "this is a test of the station tannoy...oh s**t (big thump an a rattling noise) ow! THAT REALLY F***ING HURTS!Oh S**T erm end of test end of broadcast" the duty SNCO had neen leaning back in his chair (a bar stool style thing) on the counter in the guardroom as it slid out from under him and he smacked his head on the counter
hehehe!

 

[RIGHTHANDSPANKER]

RAF Lyneham in 2003.

On the day of one of the Sqn beer calls, a tannoy went out saying that there was going to be a spit roast at 1600 and everone on stn was to take part. About 2 minuteslater the same person made another tannoy stating that there will be a pig roast and everyone is invited for food and drink.

SWO went mental - well funny!!!!

 

[Hmmmm]

I seem to remember that Shaggy also declared Endex. Oh what chaos!!!!

 

[dkp1]

on board HMS illustrious during OP palliser one of the navy boys.... Robin hood was his disguise used the ships internal tannoy at all hours, broadcasting the delightful alarm clock wailling thinkgys that he had bought whilst in the middle east, there were only 3 places he could do it from I think, the reggies were chasing all over......

 

[Bill Bones]

An old FS gets on the tannoy at a loacl event saying "Here me now. Flt Lt XXXXX, be aware your lunch has arrived in the carpark. Shabbah"

Flt Lt happens to be a rather large gentleman...

This was said as an arctic lorry is reversing into the car park.

 

[POB]

Shaggy

Shaggy

He certainly did..."Standby for broadcast. Endex Endex Endex. End of boadcast." rapidly followed by "Stand by for broadcast. Endex has not been declared, I say again, endex has not been declared. End of broadcast."

Followed by "Yes it has. Endex, endex, endex."

Hours and hours of entertainment. Ops trying to tannoy over his tannoys...

 

[Chaka]

Castyby for standybroad , castyby for standybroad, this is a clash of the station test alarm from traffic air control,action is no to be taken. Say I again,this is a clash of the station test alarm from traffic air control,action is no to be taken.DT_Xtremez_35:

Nurse...Nurse...the screens!DT_Xtremez_34:

 

[insideinfoman]

Honington early 80's.

Duty Pilot ond mate talking about what they got up to the night before with a certain WRAF Controller not realising that the tannoy hadn't been turned off after the morning test. Enter one ATC supervisor at the speed of sound to get the tannoy turned off, followed by a phone call from OC Ops summoning said duty pilot and mate to his office at once.



Also very simular incident occured when the coms went live in a Bucc and the crew were discussing conquests over the last week, lucky for them the only people to hear were anybody monitoring the freq. On realising that they had been transmitting decared it was a joke and departed hoping it would be forgotten on their return an hour later!!!! Needless to say they were met by the SATCO for a hot de-brief.

DT_Xtremez_28:

 

[GBZ]

Gib '96ish:
The Gib Regiment had just taken over the main camp (North Front) and with it the old P&SS HQ. One evening the Tannoy crackled in to life with...

"Hello, Hello, Bollox... Bollox... Bollox. Hey this is cool! You can hear it all over the building!"

Cue quick call to the pongos advising them that their audience was somewhat wider than they thought and to leave the Tannoy alone in future!


GBZ

 

[reddeathdrinker]

It's not so much the content of the tannoy, but trying to make the orderly SNCO laugh while he's trying to make a serious announcement.

We were very bored that gaurd shift..........

 

[Offeh Kitt]

Wattisham exercise

Wattisham exercise

As above..on the little boxes attached to the HAS management cabins, Stn Ops and fighter control Neatishead...the following was heard...

"That growler (74 Sqn WO)...what a w*nker...hes a right fat tw@t who should be dead etc etc........'ring ring'...hello ...HAS blah.....oh sh!t!" nothing more was heard for ages!

 

[Stax]

Might have mentioned this before. Ord Cpl one Saturday during S/By power run. Every hour you had to do the "SBFB, SBFB, the station is on s/by power all non essential equipment should be turned off". 2nd time I did it I got bored and started doing it in different accents, Rasta, Scots, Welsh (or Pakistani, whatever) Irish etc. After several goes I had a phone call from the SDO who had heard me in the mess, naughty naughty

 

[juan kossof]

Manston 97,
After another golf tournament there was a tannoy from the MGR
"Clubs and score cards to the PEd Flight and balls to OC PSF"

 

[The Green Scopie]

Down the Falklands on day 2 or 3 of one of the exercises:

‘Standby for a Tannoy from ATC. Fire, fire, fire … there is a fire in my loins tonight.’

Followed by the sound of struggle. Raised a smile in the ops room and made the night shift go a bit quicker.

DT_Xtremez_30: