Pull up a sandbag and I'll tell you a tale.... of how I almost broke my mind

[Shoutingwind]

The first time someone tried to kill me, I was 19 and we were just coming in to land at Basrah. For the next 5 years I spent 26% of my life in the desert (not including routes).... only 480 days but it was enough.

I didn't realise how badly the constant fear affected me: I never took of my dog tags, even at home, in case no one knew who I was if I got hurt, I hated (and still do) loud noise like a car backfiring or fireworks, I still have a bag by the door that would be my escape route if our house was on fire.

When I moved to NZ I lost my support network, my family and my SQN all in one go. Man, did I go slide down the mental catastrophe curve quickly. I couldn't sleep, I was always scared, I had fully immersive flashbacks... it was hell, and no one around me could understand what I was going through.

One of the hardest things I did was front up to the doctor and say "I need help....". The councillors didn't help much, the medication helped a bit, but one day I reached rock bottom. I was almost catatonic sitting in the garden. I had just enough strength left to call my mum (who was in the UK 10000 miles away). "I can't get there" she said "who do you need?". Well if I couldn't have my mum, there was only one other person who could fix this, but we had broken up/gone on a break a few months before, "If he is your friend, he will come get you regardless" said Mum, wise words indeed. I did call him, and he came, picked me up, wrapped me in a blanket, put some socks on my feet and held me why I cried and cried and cried, getting all the pent up emotions I had been supressing for so long.

(Don't worry this story has a happy ending, keep reading)

When I closed my eyes I saw the rockets being launched at us in Basrah (eh Wobbly, scary day huh?), I could see the explosion on the bridge that killed 3 people while I was on guard duty up the tower at Alpha, I could see the rounds pinging off the dust while I was trying to LOX a plane, and the endless rows of coffins dropped in flags I had helped fly home.... my head was not a good place to live.

After that day I started to claw my way back up out of the dark hole PTSD had thrown me in. Because there was no one traumatic event, but multiple episodes built up over the years it was hard to steer away from the triggers.

I ended up using the CRAM rocket siren from Kandaha as my message tone, and the Basrah siren as my ring tone to desensitize me from them. For a few years everything was jammy...

The knight in shining armour who had rescued me from myself declared his undying love for me, and we have now been together for 8 years and are married with a little boy.

I had a very traumatic birth, we were lucky to survive, and I am still battlinging with post-natal anxiety. When our little boy was 8 months old fireworks night came around. I was completely unprepared for what happened. The noise threw me into a full immersion flashback, but this time rather than battle it alone, I went and hide in my husbands arms and he held me, stroking my hair telling me I was safe and loved. And I know I am, and I'll get better

A few weeks ago a car backfired on base while I was strapping my boy into his car seat, and I hit the deck. A bunch of army guys behind me laughed, but they don't know what I have been through. My first instinct was to protect my son, and I am happy with that. Let the *******s laugh....


If you are struggling with mental health, please get help. If you break your arm, no one expects you to solider on alone. If you break your mind, it's the same thing. It's just and injury and you CAN get through it and heal.

You have been brave, asking for help is just another type of courage.

 

[Billy Whizz]

The first time someone tried to kill me, I was 19 and we were just coming in to land at Basrah. For the next 5 years I spent 26% of my life in the desert (not including routes).... only 480 days but it was enough.

I didn't realise how badly the constant fear affected me: I never took of my dog tags, even at home, in case no one knew who I was if I got hurt, I hated (and still do) loud noise like a car backfiring or fireworks, I still have a bag by the door that would be my escape route if our house was on fire.

When I moved to NZ I lost my support network, my family and my SQN all in one go. Man, did I go slide down the mental catastrophe curve quickly. I couldn't sleep, I was always scared, I had fully immersive flashbacks... it was hell, and no one around me could understand what I was going through.

One of the hardest things I did was front up to the doctor and say "I need help....". The councillors didn't help much, the medication helped a bit, but one day I reached rock bottom. I was almost catatonic sitting in the garden. I had just enough strength left to call my mum (who was in the UK 10000 miles away). "I can't get there" she said "who do you need?". Well if I couldn't have my mum, there was only one other person who could fix this, but we had broken up/gone on a break a few months before, "If he is your friend, he will come get you regardless" said Mum, wise words indeed. I did call him, and he came, picked me up, wrapped me in a blanket, put some socks on my feet and held me why I cried and cried and cried, getting all the pent up emotions I had been supressing for so long.

(Don't worry this story has a happy ending, keep reading)

When I closed my eyes I saw the rockets being launched at us in Basrah (eh Wobbly, scary day huh?), I could see the explosion on the bridge that killed 3 people while I was on guard duty up the tower at Alpha, I could see the rounds pinging off the dust while I was trying to LOX a plane, and the endless rows of coffins dropped in flags I had helped fly home.... my head was not a good place to live.

After that day I started to claw my way back up out of the dark hole PTSD had thrown me in. Because there was no one traumatic event, but multiple episodes built up over the years it was hard to steer away from the triggers.

I ended up using the CRAM rocket siren from Kandaha as my message tone, and the Basrah siren as my ring tone to desensitize me from them. For a few years everything was jammy...

The knight in shining armour who had rescued me from myself declared his undying love for me, and we have now been together for 8 years and are married with a little boy.

I had a very traumatic birth, we were lucky to survive, and I am still battlinging with post-natal anxiety. When our little boy was 8 months old fireworks night came around. I was completely unprepared for what happened. The noise threw me into a full immersion flashback, but this time rather than battle it alone, I went and hide in my husbands arms and he held me, stroking my hair telling me I was safe and loved. And I know I am, and I'll get better

A few weeks ago a car backfired on base while I was strapping my boy into his car seat, and I hit the deck. A bunch of army guys behind me laughed, but they don't know what I have been through. My first instinct was to protect my son, and I am happy with that. Let the *******s laugh....


If you are struggling with mental health, please get help. If you break your arm, no one expects you to solider on alone. If you break your mind, it's the same thing. It's just and injury and you CAN get through it and heal.

You have been brave, asking for help is just another type of courage.

Well down Shouty - opening up does help, not only you but others too when they realise they are not the only ones who suffer. Wise words re MH and getting the help and support when you need it.

 

[Dan_Brown]

Basra is what fecked me up too. 2007 and the constant rockets, on duty, off duty, sleeping - didn't matter. it was constant.

Things were so bad that during my time there we were ordered to build our own 'coffins', remember them?!

And that fecking incoming and all clear alarms. For quite a while afterwards when doing MOD1 etc, i had to ask them to not play the sound or i would leave the room - hated it and had problems if i heard it.

Anyway, glad you got help - there is quite a bit of help and support out there thankfully.

 

[ninjarabbi]

I was there in 2007 and working in the hospital when the welfare Dept was hit by a rocket, 20 metres from where I was lying. Still can’t listen to the attack siren or attend firework displays.

 

[Talk Wrench]

Welcome back Shouty.

I think your story will resonate with more than just a few people on here and not necessarily those who went into harms way.

I take my hat off to you for having the kahunas to be able to describe your account of what you experience and the feelings that come with them.

All the best,

TW

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

 

[Shoutingwind]

Oh those stupid walls around the beds, caused more problems than they solved!

Dunno if you remember in 2006/2007 that random boxes of cookies and slabs of gatoraide turning up from the deid, but that was me....

Thank you for the replies and private messages x

https://www.combatstress.org.uk

 

[Dan_Brown]

I do remember that. We had gatorade for ages and I assumed it had come from the yanks - nice one.

It was very much appreciated as from what I can remember luxuries were few and far between.

 

[Tin basher]

Shouty our paths never crossed at Lyneham we where there at different times, but your opening post is, for me, one of the most powerful things ever posted on the goat. I have very close family member going through an extremely stressful period and your words have helped my understanding of the frequent crying, sleepless nights, mood swings, etc in fact the whole situation they are in. Many thanks Shouty

 

[Shoutingwind]

Thanks for the PMS peeps To help anyone adjacent to someone going through this, here is my anatomy of a PTSD attack.

You are mozzying around minding your own business then suddenly, and without warning something catches your mind's attention. It can be anything, and probably something really small. I can only speak from MY experiences; maybe the trigger is some sand blowing across a road in a wavey line, or the smell of the aircraft combined with a song on the radio, the 1 o'clock gun being fired in Edinburgh, or the feel of the sun and the smell of the breeze, or a scene from a movie. Suddenly you are maximum alert- heart pounding, rapid breathing, full of adrenaline. Maybe you also dive for the ground and look for cover. Your eyes see you are where you were a moment ago, but your mind's eye see some other time and place. The two images don't merge or overlap, but the one is your head is the strongest image. If you are lucky it passes in a fraction of a second, if you are not you are stuck in your hellish mind.... if someone calls you out of it it can be just as bad bumping back into reality. As normality returns you are exhausted, weak and shakey. And scared, scared of what happened, scared of what the people around you might think, scared it will happen again, scared of what your brain can do to you, and the there is the fear of what happened way back when. You feel ashamed, embarrassed, angry, helpless, mentally weak, broken, and that you are worthless and useless. You want to curl up and hide. You are quick to anger and in a terrible mood.

At this moment, it is the people around you and their actions that can save the day. Understanding and empathy (NOT sympathy, that makes it worse), and above all kindness can make things ok again. Derision, questioning, mocking just send you further away from a healthy mind.

 

[Shoutingwind]

There have been times where kindness has been amazing:

(Note: my most common trigger is the last post. It reminds me of repatriations and XV179)

In 2005, I was in London for the 65 years since WW2 anniversary weekend. At the big show thing at the end, they had a remembrance service. As I stood at attention in the crowd I cried and cried, and an old lady came up and took my hand and didn't say anything. She knew I was hurting, just and she was and she said after "it hurts so much because you care so much, that is a good thing"

At other rememberance events and parades I've had colleges putting their hand on my arm, or standing really close so we are shoulder to shoulder, and my husband has the best and safest hugs in the world. A safe, solid touch helps ground me.

 

[Cooheed]

Basrah in the summer of 2007 was not a nice place. I was further north but knew what was happening down there. You are out of that bad place now but I know, from others from other theatres, how it smoulders. I wish you every good thing in your recovery

 

[Kryten]

You may have seen this story from the recent Invictus Games. (LINK)

I literally can't find the words to express how much I admire the bravery of these men and women, who are still fighting the war even today.