Cricket jokes

[Pan Warrior]

A few cricket jokes to brighten up those winter woes..

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

:S

 

[firestorm]

James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh……. MW : “F(_)k me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England” JO : “Maybe not, but at least i’m the best player in my family”

 

[TrickyTree]

Merv Hughes was bowling to Javed Miandad in the 1991 Adelaide Test. Javed had the temerity to call Merv a "fat bus conductor" but Merv got his revenge a few balls later when he dismissed him. "Tickets please," he called.

More recently Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes, who was proving to be a particularly tough nut to crack. At the end of one of his follow-throughs McGrath asked Brandes why he was so fat. "Because every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit," came the reply.

During the Bodyline series England captain Douglas Jardine complained to Aussie skipper Bill Woodfull that one of his Ocker team-mates had called him a "b***ard". Woodfull rounded on his team "Alright then, which one of you b***ards called this b***ard a b***ard!"

 

[fergo]

Rod Marsh and Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: “So how’s your wife and my kids?”

Daryll Cullinan and Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. “Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted.

Merv Hughes and Viv Richards During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. “This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.” Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture we just say f(_)ck off.”


McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: “So what does Brian Lara’s dick taste like?”
Sarwan: “I don’t know. Ask your wife.” McGrath (losing it): “If you ever F(_)cking mention my wife again, I’ll F(_)cking rip your Fing throat out.”
(ONE OF MY FAVES< BUT I THINK McGRATH'S WIFE WAS UNWELL AT THE TIME)

 

[Pan Warrior]

Comments

Comments

They're all great but I've picked a few of my favs such as Digicel's chairman commenting on the West Indies extracurricular activities as they toured Australia:

"If they had scored as many runs as they had women's phone numbers during the tour, West Indies would have won the series comfortably."​

Ian Botham commented on Andrew Nel's aggressive sledging which we're now encountering first hand:

"He must enjoy playing cricket ... by the end of most games he can't have any match fee left.​

And lastly, a classic from Kevin Pietersen:

"It's a catch-21 situation."​

This is a guy who sledged South African crowds for not being able to speak English.

 

[theladf]

Many years before the infamous "couldn't quite get his leg over" commentary the late great Brian Johnstone came out with this

"Oh look there's a mouse, running about the outfield, still it should be quite easy to catch there are no holes for it to run into, lucky it's not a ladies match!!!!!"*

Much mirth and smutty sniggering from the back of the box, before Johnners said "what I meant was if it was a ladies match they would be scared of the mouse and would take longer to catch it or shoo it away"

I'm afraid the mental picture was already thereDT_Xtremez_19:

*or words to that effect

 

[Soupdragon]

Colin Cowdrey, called up as a late replacement on an England tour of Australia due to injuries.. walks out to the wicket where Dennis Lillee is awaiting, steam coming out of his ears, nothing he liked more than knocking over English batsmen

Cowdrey, ever the gentleman, offers his hand to Lillee with the words... "Good Morning, i dont believe we've met... my names Cowdrey"

Nothing more guaranteed to wind DK Lillee up


Trevor Bailey, Captain of Essex has a word in the new young fast bowlers ear as he prepares to bowl to Fred Trueman "Fred likes to think hes a bit of a batsman, humour him, give him a couple of short pitched ones"
The trouble was, Fred wasn't much of a batsman at all and his favourite stroke was a forward defensive, front foot planted well down the wicket.
The 1st ball whistles past Freds right ear and he glares at the young lad... the 2nd goes the same way and Fred is struggling to contain himself... when the 3rd goes the same way he snaps..

"Sithee lad, hasta got a liking for hospital food....? you've got to face me yet"

The young bowler, panic stricken, turns to his Captain for advice... only to find him rolling on the floor at 2nd slip in tears of laughter.

 

[insty66]

Glamorgan vs Somerset.

Young quickie (Greg Thomas?) beats Sir Viv with a jaffa and follows it up with "It's small round and red and you're supposed to hit it!"

Next ball straight six out of the ground. Sir Viv's reply was "You know what it looks like.....fetch it!"

 

[Tin basher]

the late great Brian Johnstone came out with this

West indies Michael Holding was bowling to Englands Peter Willey and dear old Johnners said

" The bowlers Holding the batsmans Willey"

Cue rest of the TMS squad in fits of giggles until Johnners realises just what he had uttered. Classic

On a more urbane level try this if you bat right handed (do the opposite if your a leftie). Walk to the wicket practicing various shots forward defensive etc. left handed that should get the field shouting left hand lads and so on. Ask the umpire for a middle stump guard and take the mark left handed by now the fielding skipper should be moving people around to account for the new leftie batsman. Once happy with your guard say thanks umpire and revert to your normal stance. Always worth a wind up if you like short pitched bowling for a couple of overs.

 

[fergo]

Flintoff

Flintoff

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=X1NFbVx0uN8

 

[fergo]

The Sledge that Backfired: McGrath-Sarwan Spat (Antigua,'03)

The Sledge that Backfired: McGrath-Sarwan Spat (Antigua,'03)

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=-IsVsLh-yGs&feature=related

 

[Pan Warrior]

2 beudies mate

2 beudies mate

Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test
Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed:"You can't fnuking
bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey
Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't fnuking bat & you can't fnuking bowl."

And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's
legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna
Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during
a one dayer in Sydney..."You don't get a runner for being an
overweight, unfit, fat cnut!!!"

2 beudies mate