Bloke jokes or Blokes are a joke!!!

[lisab]

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.


What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.


What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.


Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.


How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
get, or how long it'll stay.


What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.



What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.



How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.


Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.


Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.


Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends


Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.


There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along, delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

 

[laboratoryqueen]

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, hence you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my excuses before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and please don't make me do it!"

"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am completely incapable of making a decision."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't miraculously fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

[lisab]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war – haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq – ruled by a dick

 

[tats]

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5 AM ' He left it where he knew she
would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
said, 'It is 5 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'
The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...........'HEBREWS'
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

[Ex-Bay]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications (which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0).

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket 5.0, Football 3.0 and Darts 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 (and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update). If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the application Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5 But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default Grumpy Silence 2.5 Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly 2.01B.

Whatever you do DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also, do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck,

Tech Support