O
Ogre
Guest
Apologies for the length of the post, but here goes. Below is a list of experiences that you would probably only encounter if you had been employed on a flight line or similar. It started as 30 odd lines, then I posted it on PPrune and emailed a couple of mates and it grew to 230+. I'm new here, but I thought I'd see if anyone has anything new to add to the party. Enjoy!
1. You've ever slept on the concrete under a wing (or on the wing itself).
2. You've ever said, "Oh yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
3. You've ever sucked oxy to cure a hangover.
4. You know what AVTUR tastes like.
5. You've ever used a black chinagraph pencil to fix an overworn tire.
6. You have a better "c" store in the pockets of your overalls than the supply system.
7. You've ever used a piece of lockwire as a toothpick.
8. You've ever had to say, "My boots are still black!" (or ever spray-painted them black).
9. You refer to a pilot as a "control-stick actuator" or "seat/stick interface."
10. You've ever been told to "pump up the windsock, or go get a bucket of prop wash, a yard of flightline, a left-handed screw driver, a North bearing, a bottle of K-9P or a can of striped paint."
11. You've ever worked a 14-hour shift on an aircraft that isn't flying the next day.
12. You've ever said, "as long as she starts every other try you'll be fine sir."
13. You believe the aircraft has a soul.
14. You talk to the aircraft (often in a not-so-nice way).
15. You've ever said, "That nav light burned out after launch."
16. You've ever used a chock as a hammer.
17. The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.
18. You know more about your co-workers than you do about your own family.
19. You've ever looked for pictures of "your" aircraft in aviation books.
20. You can't figure out why Engineering officers exist.
21. You ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great aircraft, nothing wrong with it!"
22. You take it as a badge of honour to be just called "a Det Hound."
23. You relieve yourself more often outdoors than indoors.
24. You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be a Techie.
25. You think everyone who isn't a Techie is a poof.
26. You can sleep anywhere, anytime, but as soon as the engines shut down you are wide-awake.
27. You've ever stood on chocks to keep your feet dry.
28. You've used lockwire to clean a fingernail.
29. You've wiped leaks immediately prior to crew show.
30. You've worn someone else's hat to the mess.
31. All you care about is the flying program and your days off.
32. You've wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid rules.
33. You've ever had to de-fuel an aircraft an hour after refuelling it.
34. You tell the aircrew "It'll do a trip".
35. You triple check the seat pins before you get in.
36. You've ever wondered why a jet engine makes no noise when you stand behind it.
37. You know all the hiding places on the aircraft for duty frees.
38. You've handed the hangar keys over to the day shift as you're going home.
39. You've held a cover over the jet exhaust while it's started to stop the engine spinning the wrong way.
40. You've watched a tool / screw disappear behind a panel at 2.00 a.m.
41. You've had to change three boxes to find one that works.
42. You've had a tow bar drop on your foot when the tractor pulls away before you're ready.
43. You've stood in the rain for half an hour while the aircraft is on hold.
44. Fitted a No fault found box to find it still f***ed.
45. You build a small boat from bits from supply and call it " C Stores".
46. You really wonder about the ejection seat when you're upside down in the cockpit doing a loose article check.
47. You cheer at midnight when the last aircraft lands and is U/S along with the rest of the squadron.
48. You meet the aircrew with a pickaxe handle and convince them the aircraft isn't really U/S.
49. You've sat on a running jet engine that's fed and pushed by a bowser full of fuel to clear snow and ice, and wondered about health and safety.
50. You know what burnt seabird smells like, and the mess it makes when it's hit a jet at hundreds of miles per hour
51. You've had to tell the backseater that no radar display is the expected performance in O F F mode.
52. You know what 3 phase feels like.
53. You've just spent 2 hours with your arms above your head in a nose wheel well locating a bolt through 3 P-clips and two spacers only to realise you forgot the washer.
54. You've had to explain to the engine chief why you want the other engine out because you f****d up and mis-diagnosed which co-ax coupler was knackered.
55. You've found yourself crucified in trap 3 of the crew room bogs with a broomstick through the arms of your overalls.
56. Remember the blade antennas underneath conveniently located to gouge your back?
57. The headset/microphone that always goes u/s between the line hut and the aircraft?
58. The early start to prep the aircraft to find the first wave has been cancelled.
59. The houchins that are always parked so the power cable to the aircraft is 6" short.
60. Being amazed after leaving the RAF to find that tea and coffee can be drunk hot.
61. Plastic pin extractors have a use design life of once.
62. Wires are routed by the aircraft manufacturer to break in the most inaccesible place to repair them.
63. You wash your hands with almost surgeon-like attention to detail before you pee, never mind eat.
64. You carry random items of equipment or tools for no valid reason other than to avoid getting stitched for the really crap jobs
65. You become familiar with all the characters from kids cartoons and daytime soap operas.
66. You can end up playing different hands/corners in the same card/board game depending on workload
67. You could recite from memory the reference numbers of LRUs but needed to write your girlfriends phone number down
68. You can still remember the LRU reference numbers after 20 years but can’t remember the girlfriend.
69. Winning at "uckers" becomes the most important thing you do that day.
70. You have a favourite broom with your name on for hangar sweeping.
71. It was months before you realised there was actually a handle to wind hangar doors open with.
72. AVTUR is not really suitable for your Zippo.
73. Your overalls are held together with stitched on squadron badges from detachments.
74. You never know how films end due to scramble starts.
75. You look forward to exercises 'cos there'll be "babys heads" on the menu.
76. You quickly discover why your trade badge is a fistful of lightning bolts.
77. When locking up, ground equipment in the hangar moves once the lights are out.
78. Marked walkways on the aircraft are the only parts without boot marks.
79. You spot that Luke Skywalker's X-wing fighter uses the same boarding ladder as the Phantom.
80. You can never watch a film / TV programme with aircraft in without picking holes in it.
81. Grub screws are not designed to be used more than once.
82. The manufacturers of 'captive' nuts and screws are all liars.
83 Fill your morning with attempts to find anything to do to avoid the daily hangar sweep or MT DIs.
84 Know the perils of handbrake turns in landrovers.
85 Be commonly aware of just how big an aeroplane you can tow with a landrover whilst on detachment.
86 On detachment, being able to quickly identify which ‘gizzits’ you are going to nick.
87 On detachment, being the first to succeed in the hire vehicle endurance testing (major component failure only).
88 Know instinctively (without the need for a watch) when it is supper time, particularly if you are a scaly.
89 Never stop thinking about the next avpin ignition experiment (hangar donkey definitely the best!!).
90 Pre-occupying yourself (and the plumbers) with knowing exactly what the ‘death rattle’ of the bang seat is.
91 Honing your ‘first to the DCS’ skills on see-in.
92. Praying that you are not ‘on task’ whilst flying to det location.
93. IZAL toilet paper works better if you screw it up first then open it out again.
94. You learn how to build a bar room cannon out of empty beer cans, bodge tape, lighter fluid and a tennis ball.
95. You learn all the verses to "Eskimo Nell".
96. You go on late night "SAS" raids to the squadron next door to rob LRUs to fix your aircraft.
97. You always have a squadron 'zap' on you in case a visiting aircraft presents itself.
98. You carry a safety razor to squadron 'do's' in case someone falls asleep.
99. Call outs on standby always happen after midnight and at the weekend.
100. The boot of your car has at least 1 tin of swarfega, 1 blue roll, 1 roll of bodge tape and 1 tin of MEK or Trike.
101. You spend the first hour of every shift slagging off t'other shift'.
102. You can run through a cockpit switch check faster than the aircrew.
103. Glycerine from leaking ear defenders does not constitue hair gel.
104. The aircraft you're seeing off / seeing in is always furthest away.
105. You know a Christmas Tree is not just a festive decoration
106. You’ve made fairy lights out of red instrument lighting and a spare 28v battery
107. The most natural position to assemble anything, even your kids christmas toys, means being upside down with the lights out.
108. You know what chicken**** is and what it is used for
109. When you're found drinking with armourers
110. When you know where and how hard to hit the starter motor to get a Phantom going
111. When you can tell the fuel load by slapping the drop tank
112. When you know more about engines than you do your own trade
113. When you humour the navigator by agreeing with his trouble shooting of the system
114. When being part of the RHAG party has nothing to do with student week
115. When sunrise is part of your daily routine
116. When walking along the icy spine of an aircraft to remove the Pitot covers doesn't phase you
117. When your cold weather gloves are a fire hazard
118. When your overalls can stand alone
119. When your overalls become a fire hazard!
120. When you find bald spots over the scars in your head caused by lower radio aerials
121. When closing time at the local gets too close to shift start.
122. When swapping live missiles between "Q" aircraft is routine.
123. DZUS fasteners don't
124. You undo 23 DZUS fasteners and the 24th won't.
125. The show stopper on the Det requires work in the shed - no shed.
126. You have your own aircraft key - FA501 for the Vulcan.
127. You carried a penny long after decimal coinage simply to jack up the aircraft.
128. Bodge tape for "BDR" is good for 300kts on a det.
129. Used that nice Danish money with holes in as washers None in the c store pack
130. If it can't be fixed with a Leatherman and mini maglite it's serious - very serious......
131. If it can't be fixed with a hammer it's an electrical problem
132. you do donuts in the Hallam tractor (with your towing team in the back) right up to the point when it's about to tip over, and then tell them that if you ever catch them doing it they'll be on gate guard for the next month!
133. You've proven that the clutch on a Landrover will burn out after towing a Phantom approximately six inches.
134. You have borrowed an entire USAF F4 while on Det
135. Your groundcrew are all wearing USAF uniform on the way home from an exchange det because they've swapped all their RAF stuff
136. When the riggers get the landrover first, to tow the air trolley, and you have to lug the oxygen trolly along a line of 12 aircraft.
137. When stores won't let you have an item because it's the only one they have, and it's 'for emergencies only'
138. When you wonder why components are slightly sticky under the toilets
139. you can identify the faults by noise/smell/feel/taste/vibration frequency through your arse before you need to go and sign the boxes of lies out of the HES.
140. When the J/T lends you his Gen book and it has more in it than the fiche room.
141. When you have to do a running decu reset on the Q jet while it's waiting to taxi.
142. When you come back from anywhere knowing the pigs can't get at the duty free stash as its locked up in the crypto lacon or stuffed in the pylons
143. When you know that grunts don't cr@p on exercise,only when there are 40 or more in the back of a Herc.
144. It sometimes takes a man strong in both mind & body to carry a honey bucket
145. You work out that after 4 hours on the lash, some nice men give away free food at midnight.
146. You pass a half eaten sausage to a Harrier pilot & he stows it thinking its a MASB.
147. You spit on the windscreen so that you can clean it.
148. You know that aircraft become even more unservicable on a Friday afternoon
149. You refer to your course notes rather than the APs
150. You've got a Deputy Dawg hat for the winter.
151. And there's always someone who hasn't seen a three man lift or played spoons.
152. you check the colourless, almost odourless, liquid on the floor of the aircraft by taste
153. You get an inner glow of satisfaction when the immortal words "you are a disgrace to the uniform !" are directed at you.....invariably by the blunt side of the organisation with regard to one's appearance....as they were many times I am pleased to say.
154. Nothing better than going into SHQ in your "clean" wet weather jacket, stinking of either fuel or better still de-icing fluid, and watch the shinies start wrinkling their noses up, you get priority treatment once they realise you are the source of the smell!
155. Or another the classic memo from OC Supply sent out around Oct/Nov time every year - saying that he has noticed an increase in the consumption of batteries, especially torch batteries. As an engineer you know it is darker longer in winter than it is in summer, obviously the flight line is not equipped with electric office lighting!
156. Or the same scam from MT complaining that the line L/R fuel efficiency has gone down now winter is here, wouldn't have anything to do with the heater being the only source of heat(minimal at that) hence in winter the vehicles run 24hrs a day!
157. When you're favourite weather "Line Sunshine" is actually thick fog
158. When a RAF plod and dog doing a sweep of a VIP VC10 asks you in all seriousness to open a fin fuel tank access panel 50 plus feet up in the air to see if you're average terrorist has managed to scale all the way up the side of the fin, unscrew a couple of hundred screws then fighting back the waves of fuel gushing out, succesfully plant his bomb in the tank and repanel it all again, all without being seen!
159. When you've cleared the mysterious panel lighting snag....... by turning up the Dimmer Switch
160. When you're seeing off Aircraft after attending "The Breakfast Club!"
161. When the last hour of your shift in Cyprus is spent applying large ammounts of french chalk to the ceiling fans as a treat for the other shift!
162. Signing off the pilot's magnetic compass complaint by moving his metal thermos bottle of coffee.
163. You're still offended by the fact that the Shineys are going on the higher pay band, despite it being announced 6 months ago.
164. You can still remember 29 odd years later on that 26WX 6773 was the Wessex nose door anti-icing seal part number and 526MM 0505059 was the Puma equivalent.
165. when the frayed bit of the neck of your woolly pully is held together with locking wire
166. In the middle of winter, you have jumped, fully clothed, into a bath of freezing cold water because your denims have caught fire due to a HTP leak from the Blue Steel
167. Have used OM15 to decoke the car instead of Redex
168. Used an OM15 tin to do a temporary repair on an aircraft for RTB only.
169. Learnt not to trust the faireys when they tell you the Houchin is disconnected from the jet , only to discover the test set is still connected to the pitot head which proceeds to bend as you tow the houchin away with a land rover
170. You can contruct a hand held gun using coke cans/OM15 cans firing a bodge tape ball/frozen orange using MEK as a propellant. OR for the really brave an "upgraded" version of the MEK cannon capable of firing a football sized object well clear of the hangar and a long way over the pan(somewhere near VASS alledgedly ), don't forget the oxygen trolley to purge the system with O2 before lighting for extra oommphh OR for the criminally insane an improvised explosive device using dry ice a little water and empty coke bottles, ideally you screw the lid on as you drop it into a full rubbish bin in the crew room at 0300, rapidly retreat and watch the mayhem OR used in pairs with the aid of a length of drainpipe to make an effective mortar, ideal when the other squadron have their hangar doors open, can't beat an airburst device with the noise of a thunderflash going off at the top of the open doorway, especially if the hangar doors at the other end are closed!
171. You've polished the contacts of a Carpenter Relay with emery cloth
172. you can explain what -8 volts really are!
173. When Albert jumps the chocks on "brakes off" on bay 43 and rolls towards the bund road and your pension appears to be rolling away in front of your eyes
174. Topping up allison engine oils with a sick bag
175. Topping up hydraulics with a sick bag
176. Pumping out overfilled hydraulics with a vacuum pump that looks suspiciously like a sick bag
177. Getting drenched in Avpin and driving the landie across a flight line by memory to find a tap
178. you've ever looked at a bald tyre and said to the Captain, "well you're not going by road are you?"
179. After standing on a freezing Apron for over an hour on a see off whilst watching the Student Puma Pilot doing his walkround , who is by now crouched down and staring up aimlessly into the port main wheel fairing, walking up to him and uttering the immortal words " Excuse me Sir, but are you flying it or buying it?"
180. You can make a cricket set out of bodge tape and kimwipe.
181. You can only play your joker once
182. A Tornado shoulder pylon fuel seal costs 200 B&H from the German storeman in Decci
183. If you tell the J Eng O how you fixed stuff without approved spares that "if you do not ask me a direct question I will not tell you a direct lie"
184. you tell the aircrew that you fixed a snag by jacking up the nosewheel and changing the aircraft
185. you've ever signed off the entire servicing of a multi-engine a/c, including the refuel, all the sups, numerous amounts of paperwork due to everyone else going sick on detachment, and hoped to god that it doesn't crash on the next flight...
186. You have made up complete breakfasts from half eaten ones out of the poly bags.
187. Spent all day working with skydrol without any problems then you get an itch in the corner of your eye just as you get to the washroom
188. NFF a box and get it back 6 months later to fix another snag, still with your 731 on it
189. Get the meals list from the cabin crew and asked what you want from remaining only to find you've got the chix curry again
190. Try to figure out how your initials on the nosewheel were always touching the ground when you stopped and never the crews!
191. When you read in the F700 'nasty smell in cockpit' and you're tempted to write 'nasty smell removed, nice smell fitted!
192. Or you may be an engineer when the driver lands and self diagnoses the snag as " Cold air unit seized", and you dutifully prove that the CAU is spinning freely NFF !! Then ask the driver if he wants to take the jet up again , and do his job , whilst you get on with yours !!
193. You've watched the sooties convince a new navigator that jet engines have pistons, just like his car.
194. When hearing the words "Emergancy State TWO" over the tannoy means drop what your doing, pile into all the wagons and get to the runway to see what happens!!
195. You've made score cards to rate the pilots landings
196. when, on detachment, your shift of villains rather kindly takes the somewhat naiive JEngess out 'for a quiet meal and a couple of drinks with the lads' How did you know that we had an early take-off the next day? And hence that Bob-the-JEngess would have to go to the Gp Capt's morning brief, as the DetCo would be grinning to himself somewhere between Turkey and Iraq at the time.
197. Over taking the SATCO on the taxiway in the landy at twice the speed limit whilst getting to the end of the runway to put the pins in the returning Q kite, then getting back and getting a bo**ocking from the jengo
198. the sunspot activity charts in the back of the on-route supplement could be used to convince Navs that the poor HF performance was due to cosmic radiation, not the fact that the radios were out of the ark
199. You leatherman and mini-mag light collection come from generous aircrew who left them in the aircraft for you to find
200. You accidently drop the flight line office door stop (3-4kgs) into the boggies helmet bag, and then direct him to his jet at the far end of the line
201. you realise how quickly time flies when you're up the front end trying to fix a Nimrod autopilot snag while the back fills up with smoke from the pitzas you found in the galley, put in the oven and then forgot about.
202. You've beaten the padlock on the front of the aircrew rations locker, by simply turning the locker round, de-riveting the back, half emptying the goodies, securing the back with Harry Black and putting locker back in original place. Unfortunatly, you might also be an Engineer if you've tried to eat 15 of the aircrew's Mars bars, from the locker, on a night shift.
203. ...you're on Det in Australia (Darwin) for Ex Pitch Black. Your C stores, LRU's and everything else needed to service eight tornados are on a boat somewhere between "Singapore and Sydney". The first wave has just returned and you've got SMS snags. At that point your ex-bay lecky JNCO traces the problem to a circuit board in the Pylon Decoder Unit. As the spares are still afloat somewhere, he calmly unscrews the PDU, fabricates a board puller from a wire coathangar (and the ubiquitous Leatherman), nips out to Radio Shack buys a soldering iron and some solder, resolders the errant diode, resistor or whatever it was, reassembles the PDU, puts it back in the pylon, carries out a WPU BITE and signs the aircraft up in time for the night wave! You just can't teach that kind of ingenuity
204. You're on Red Flag at the end of the runway and the same JNCO decides to use a chock to fix an SMS snag! Takes the chock and smartly raps the pylon quite hard to reseat the board in the PDU. WPU BITE carried out fault clears and jet launches. Fellow end of runway crews from the USN and USAF looking-on amazed finally come over to ask if he really just hit the aircraft with a chock. Calm reply is paraphrased from another great engineer tale - I charge a hundred bucks for that fix, one dollar for hitting the pylon, ninety-nine dollars for knowing where to hit it
205. you can set an adjustable in the dark by the size of indent on your hand.
206. Seeing off a VC10 full of passengers the Pilot informs you the final engine, No 1 engine will not start, you pull a safety raiser over under the Engine, jack it up and drop the door, using the same jacking handle you lay into the air start valve with relish and are comforted to hear it move over and the engine wind up, closing the cowl and crouching down you glimpse up to see an aircraft full of worried passengers faces glued to the window watching you beat the crap out of their Engine.
207. Seeing off a VC10 full of passengers you find the towbar pin is stuck in the leg, so taking the tugs towbar pin you proceed to beat it out of the hole, on the intercom you hear the pilot explaining to the passengers of a slight technical hitch that the engineers are presently rectifying over the noise of our efforts echoing down the cabin like lucifer banging on the gates of Hell..
208. the reluctant Canberra brake spider has three legs, but you only have two hands. So you use your head.
209. You've lost a torch in a Bucc's Bomb Bay and decide to tie the lowest resistance mechanic to the door and then roll it closed to see if he can find it!
210. You've ever snapped a tow bar shear pin and thought frantically if you can blame anyone else.
211. You've cursed the tosspot who's taken a tool without tagging it as the call for "all tools in" comes again, only to find you are that tosser.
212. You've played 'first to 1000' in Hunt the C*nt.
213. If you know that 'Marshalls' is a swear word.
214. You've super glued a nut & washer to your finger to get it onto an inaccessible bolt, & would rather rip the skin off your finger than start again
215. You've mixed up a tin of PRC, tipped it on its side & let it set, carefully taped up the underside of the 'mess' & left it on someones best hat just before a parade
216. You have ever been bollo**ed by your chief for deleting a file the Jengo was working on using the det laptop
217. You have ever used a land rover, two drip trays and some lashing tape on a snowy pan for " fun"
218. You have ever launched the Q jet in your underwear and boots....
219. You can never get to PSF when you are needing to.
220. You thought that 'Junior Tech' was the best rank in the RAF and Chief Tech's. were Gods! And chuffed to be a fitter instead of a mechanic
221. You are on Engineer out in the Far East when HRH arrives for a stop over and you ask the RAF Hospital for a selection of Specimen Bottles before emptying the loo!! I know because I supplied the bottles
222. You empty the contents of the Swarfega tin onto some news paper, answer the call of nature (Solids - into the tin) and replace the Swarfega. Replace tin and retire to safe distance
223. You have rushed out to a vc10, opened the bog panel, opened the bog valve to back a goodly supply behind the cap, then closed both and stood back and awaited the arrival of the new Rigger to open the just above head height Bog cap prior to emptying the tank
224. Watching one of the armourers in Gibralter, take an ejection seat stand (the one with three wheels), two broom handles and a couple of opened out poly bags and make a decent wind surfer
225. Politely telling the RAFP dog handler who is watching the jets starting to "take your hat off", then have the Chief come out on your side when said RAFP tries to charge you after the ensuing argument!
226. The Brittania that decides it has taken a liking to the firebottles during a ground run, jumps the chocks and the spits bits of broken prop through the pressure hull of the Comet 4 in the next bay
227. .....on a towing team you discover that the difference between "partial" and "total plus" fuel states is about 2 inches clearance in the vertical at 1 foot inside the crossing wingtips
228. ...you discover that the hazard light pole on the back of a tractor has similar strengh characteristics to a Jaguar pitot probe. You realise that your new best mates are the rigger/lecky/insty who "find" and fit a probe to replace the bent one.
229. You've comfortably exceeded 10,000 points at Gin on a Harrier field deployment
230. You've been spotted on the daily recce run over the site and your picture is posted by the mess tent with a big arrow and the word tosser written beside it.
231. You've fallen asleep on a hover pad slightly the worse for wear to be woken up by a plods dog licking your face.
232. You've almost slipped the surly bonds during an untied down engine run....
233. You have ever found out the aircraft destination after it has taken off or stepped of the a/c and had to ask the nearest bloke "where am I ?"
234. You know that having your tool kit on board makes it easy to turn a row of 3 seats round for the card school on one of the 'pack up' crates
235. You’ve flown back from detachment in the front seat of a landrover, because it was the most comfortable place to sit!
236. You flown back from detachment on top of the cargo because it got you closer to the sole heat source on the aircraft.
1. You've ever slept on the concrete under a wing (or on the wing itself).
2. You've ever said, "Oh yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
3. You've ever sucked oxy to cure a hangover.
4. You know what AVTUR tastes like.
5. You've ever used a black chinagraph pencil to fix an overworn tire.
6. You have a better "c" store in the pockets of your overalls than the supply system.
7. You've ever used a piece of lockwire as a toothpick.
8. You've ever had to say, "My boots are still black!" (or ever spray-painted them black).
9. You refer to a pilot as a "control-stick actuator" or "seat/stick interface."
10. You've ever been told to "pump up the windsock, or go get a bucket of prop wash, a yard of flightline, a left-handed screw driver, a North bearing, a bottle of K-9P or a can of striped paint."
11. You've ever worked a 14-hour shift on an aircraft that isn't flying the next day.
12. You've ever said, "as long as she starts every other try you'll be fine sir."
13. You believe the aircraft has a soul.
14. You talk to the aircraft (often in a not-so-nice way).
15. You've ever said, "That nav light burned out after launch."
16. You've ever used a chock as a hammer.
17. The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.
18. You know more about your co-workers than you do about your own family.
19. You've ever looked for pictures of "your" aircraft in aviation books.
20. You can't figure out why Engineering officers exist.
21. You ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great aircraft, nothing wrong with it!"
22. You take it as a badge of honour to be just called "a Det Hound."
23. You relieve yourself more often outdoors than indoors.
24. You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be a Techie.
25. You think everyone who isn't a Techie is a poof.
26. You can sleep anywhere, anytime, but as soon as the engines shut down you are wide-awake.
27. You've ever stood on chocks to keep your feet dry.
28. You've used lockwire to clean a fingernail.
29. You've wiped leaks immediately prior to crew show.
30. You've worn someone else's hat to the mess.
31. All you care about is the flying program and your days off.
32. You've wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid rules.
33. You've ever had to de-fuel an aircraft an hour after refuelling it.
34. You tell the aircrew "It'll do a trip".
35. You triple check the seat pins before you get in.
36. You've ever wondered why a jet engine makes no noise when you stand behind it.
37. You know all the hiding places on the aircraft for duty frees.
38. You've handed the hangar keys over to the day shift as you're going home.
39. You've held a cover over the jet exhaust while it's started to stop the engine spinning the wrong way.
40. You've watched a tool / screw disappear behind a panel at 2.00 a.m.
41. You've had to change three boxes to find one that works.
42. You've had a tow bar drop on your foot when the tractor pulls away before you're ready.
43. You've stood in the rain for half an hour while the aircraft is on hold.
44. Fitted a No fault found box to find it still f***ed.
45. You build a small boat from bits from supply and call it " C Stores".
46. You really wonder about the ejection seat when you're upside down in the cockpit doing a loose article check.
47. You cheer at midnight when the last aircraft lands and is U/S along with the rest of the squadron.
48. You meet the aircrew with a pickaxe handle and convince them the aircraft isn't really U/S.
49. You've sat on a running jet engine that's fed and pushed by a bowser full of fuel to clear snow and ice, and wondered about health and safety.
50. You know what burnt seabird smells like, and the mess it makes when it's hit a jet at hundreds of miles per hour
51. You've had to tell the backseater that no radar display is the expected performance in O F F mode.
52. You know what 3 phase feels like.
53. You've just spent 2 hours with your arms above your head in a nose wheel well locating a bolt through 3 P-clips and two spacers only to realise you forgot the washer.
54. You've had to explain to the engine chief why you want the other engine out because you f****d up and mis-diagnosed which co-ax coupler was knackered.
55. You've found yourself crucified in trap 3 of the crew room bogs with a broomstick through the arms of your overalls.
56. Remember the blade antennas underneath conveniently located to gouge your back?
57. The headset/microphone that always goes u/s between the line hut and the aircraft?
58. The early start to prep the aircraft to find the first wave has been cancelled.
59. The houchins that are always parked so the power cable to the aircraft is 6" short.
60. Being amazed after leaving the RAF to find that tea and coffee can be drunk hot.
61. Plastic pin extractors have a use design life of once.
62. Wires are routed by the aircraft manufacturer to break in the most inaccesible place to repair them.
63. You wash your hands with almost surgeon-like attention to detail before you pee, never mind eat.
64. You carry random items of equipment or tools for no valid reason other than to avoid getting stitched for the really crap jobs
65. You become familiar with all the characters from kids cartoons and daytime soap operas.
66. You can end up playing different hands/corners in the same card/board game depending on workload
67. You could recite from memory the reference numbers of LRUs but needed to write your girlfriends phone number down
68. You can still remember the LRU reference numbers after 20 years but can’t remember the girlfriend.
69. Winning at "uckers" becomes the most important thing you do that day.
70. You have a favourite broom with your name on for hangar sweeping.
71. It was months before you realised there was actually a handle to wind hangar doors open with.
72. AVTUR is not really suitable for your Zippo.
73. Your overalls are held together with stitched on squadron badges from detachments.
74. You never know how films end due to scramble starts.
75. You look forward to exercises 'cos there'll be "babys heads" on the menu.
76. You quickly discover why your trade badge is a fistful of lightning bolts.
77. When locking up, ground equipment in the hangar moves once the lights are out.
78. Marked walkways on the aircraft are the only parts without boot marks.
79. You spot that Luke Skywalker's X-wing fighter uses the same boarding ladder as the Phantom.
80. You can never watch a film / TV programme with aircraft in without picking holes in it.
81. Grub screws are not designed to be used more than once.
82. The manufacturers of 'captive' nuts and screws are all liars.
83 Fill your morning with attempts to find anything to do to avoid the daily hangar sweep or MT DIs.
84 Know the perils of handbrake turns in landrovers.
85 Be commonly aware of just how big an aeroplane you can tow with a landrover whilst on detachment.
86 On detachment, being able to quickly identify which ‘gizzits’ you are going to nick.
87 On detachment, being the first to succeed in the hire vehicle endurance testing (major component failure only).
88 Know instinctively (without the need for a watch) when it is supper time, particularly if you are a scaly.
89 Never stop thinking about the next avpin ignition experiment (hangar donkey definitely the best!!).
90 Pre-occupying yourself (and the plumbers) with knowing exactly what the ‘death rattle’ of the bang seat is.
91 Honing your ‘first to the DCS’ skills on see-in.
92. Praying that you are not ‘on task’ whilst flying to det location.
93. IZAL toilet paper works better if you screw it up first then open it out again.
94. You learn how to build a bar room cannon out of empty beer cans, bodge tape, lighter fluid and a tennis ball.
95. You learn all the verses to "Eskimo Nell".
96. You go on late night "SAS" raids to the squadron next door to rob LRUs to fix your aircraft.
97. You always have a squadron 'zap' on you in case a visiting aircraft presents itself.
98. You carry a safety razor to squadron 'do's' in case someone falls asleep.
99. Call outs on standby always happen after midnight and at the weekend.
100. The boot of your car has at least 1 tin of swarfega, 1 blue roll, 1 roll of bodge tape and 1 tin of MEK or Trike.
101. You spend the first hour of every shift slagging off t'other shift'.
102. You can run through a cockpit switch check faster than the aircrew.
103. Glycerine from leaking ear defenders does not constitue hair gel.
104. The aircraft you're seeing off / seeing in is always furthest away.
105. You know a Christmas Tree is not just a festive decoration
106. You’ve made fairy lights out of red instrument lighting and a spare 28v battery
107. The most natural position to assemble anything, even your kids christmas toys, means being upside down with the lights out.
108. You know what chicken**** is and what it is used for
109. When you're found drinking with armourers
110. When you know where and how hard to hit the starter motor to get a Phantom going
111. When you can tell the fuel load by slapping the drop tank
112. When you know more about engines than you do your own trade
113. When you humour the navigator by agreeing with his trouble shooting of the system
114. When being part of the RHAG party has nothing to do with student week
115. When sunrise is part of your daily routine
116. When walking along the icy spine of an aircraft to remove the Pitot covers doesn't phase you
117. When your cold weather gloves are a fire hazard
118. When your overalls can stand alone
119. When your overalls become a fire hazard!
120. When you find bald spots over the scars in your head caused by lower radio aerials
121. When closing time at the local gets too close to shift start.
122. When swapping live missiles between "Q" aircraft is routine.
123. DZUS fasteners don't
124. You undo 23 DZUS fasteners and the 24th won't.
125. The show stopper on the Det requires work in the shed - no shed.
126. You have your own aircraft key - FA501 for the Vulcan.
127. You carried a penny long after decimal coinage simply to jack up the aircraft.
128. Bodge tape for "BDR" is good for 300kts on a det.
129. Used that nice Danish money with holes in as washers None in the c store pack
130. If it can't be fixed with a Leatherman and mini maglite it's serious - very serious......
131. If it can't be fixed with a hammer it's an electrical problem
132. you do donuts in the Hallam tractor (with your towing team in the back) right up to the point when it's about to tip over, and then tell them that if you ever catch them doing it they'll be on gate guard for the next month!
133. You've proven that the clutch on a Landrover will burn out after towing a Phantom approximately six inches.
134. You have borrowed an entire USAF F4 while on Det
135. Your groundcrew are all wearing USAF uniform on the way home from an exchange det because they've swapped all their RAF stuff
136. When the riggers get the landrover first, to tow the air trolley, and you have to lug the oxygen trolly along a line of 12 aircraft.
137. When stores won't let you have an item because it's the only one they have, and it's 'for emergencies only'
138. When you wonder why components are slightly sticky under the toilets
139. you can identify the faults by noise/smell/feel/taste/vibration frequency through your arse before you need to go and sign the boxes of lies out of the HES.
140. When the J/T lends you his Gen book and it has more in it than the fiche room.
141. When you have to do a running decu reset on the Q jet while it's waiting to taxi.
142. When you come back from anywhere knowing the pigs can't get at the duty free stash as its locked up in the crypto lacon or stuffed in the pylons
143. When you know that grunts don't cr@p on exercise,only when there are 40 or more in the back of a Herc.
144. It sometimes takes a man strong in both mind & body to carry a honey bucket
145. You work out that after 4 hours on the lash, some nice men give away free food at midnight.
146. You pass a half eaten sausage to a Harrier pilot & he stows it thinking its a MASB.
147. You spit on the windscreen so that you can clean it.
148. You know that aircraft become even more unservicable on a Friday afternoon
149. You refer to your course notes rather than the APs
150. You've got a Deputy Dawg hat for the winter.
151. And there's always someone who hasn't seen a three man lift or played spoons.
152. you check the colourless, almost odourless, liquid on the floor of the aircraft by taste
153. You get an inner glow of satisfaction when the immortal words "you are a disgrace to the uniform !" are directed at you.....invariably by the blunt side of the organisation with regard to one's appearance....as they were many times I am pleased to say.
154. Nothing better than going into SHQ in your "clean" wet weather jacket, stinking of either fuel or better still de-icing fluid, and watch the shinies start wrinkling their noses up, you get priority treatment once they realise you are the source of the smell!
155. Or another the classic memo from OC Supply sent out around Oct/Nov time every year - saying that he has noticed an increase in the consumption of batteries, especially torch batteries. As an engineer you know it is darker longer in winter than it is in summer, obviously the flight line is not equipped with electric office lighting!
156. Or the same scam from MT complaining that the line L/R fuel efficiency has gone down now winter is here, wouldn't have anything to do with the heater being the only source of heat(minimal at that) hence in winter the vehicles run 24hrs a day!
157. When you're favourite weather "Line Sunshine" is actually thick fog
158. When a RAF plod and dog doing a sweep of a VIP VC10 asks you in all seriousness to open a fin fuel tank access panel 50 plus feet up in the air to see if you're average terrorist has managed to scale all the way up the side of the fin, unscrew a couple of hundred screws then fighting back the waves of fuel gushing out, succesfully plant his bomb in the tank and repanel it all again, all without being seen!
159. When you've cleared the mysterious panel lighting snag....... by turning up the Dimmer Switch
160. When you're seeing off Aircraft after attending "The Breakfast Club!"
161. When the last hour of your shift in Cyprus is spent applying large ammounts of french chalk to the ceiling fans as a treat for the other shift!
162. Signing off the pilot's magnetic compass complaint by moving his metal thermos bottle of coffee.
163. You're still offended by the fact that the Shineys are going on the higher pay band, despite it being announced 6 months ago.
164. You can still remember 29 odd years later on that 26WX 6773 was the Wessex nose door anti-icing seal part number and 526MM 0505059 was the Puma equivalent.
165. when the frayed bit of the neck of your woolly pully is held together with locking wire
166. In the middle of winter, you have jumped, fully clothed, into a bath of freezing cold water because your denims have caught fire due to a HTP leak from the Blue Steel
167. Have used OM15 to decoke the car instead of Redex
168. Used an OM15 tin to do a temporary repair on an aircraft for RTB only.
169. Learnt not to trust the faireys when they tell you the Houchin is disconnected from the jet , only to discover the test set is still connected to the pitot head which proceeds to bend as you tow the houchin away with a land rover
170. You can contruct a hand held gun using coke cans/OM15 cans firing a bodge tape ball/frozen orange using MEK as a propellant. OR for the really brave an "upgraded" version of the MEK cannon capable of firing a football sized object well clear of the hangar and a long way over the pan(somewhere near VASS alledgedly ), don't forget the oxygen trolley to purge the system with O2 before lighting for extra oommphh OR for the criminally insane an improvised explosive device using dry ice a little water and empty coke bottles, ideally you screw the lid on as you drop it into a full rubbish bin in the crew room at 0300, rapidly retreat and watch the mayhem OR used in pairs with the aid of a length of drainpipe to make an effective mortar, ideal when the other squadron have their hangar doors open, can't beat an airburst device with the noise of a thunderflash going off at the top of the open doorway, especially if the hangar doors at the other end are closed!
171. You've polished the contacts of a Carpenter Relay with emery cloth
172. you can explain what -8 volts really are!
173. When Albert jumps the chocks on "brakes off" on bay 43 and rolls towards the bund road and your pension appears to be rolling away in front of your eyes
174. Topping up allison engine oils with a sick bag
175. Topping up hydraulics with a sick bag
176. Pumping out overfilled hydraulics with a vacuum pump that looks suspiciously like a sick bag
177. Getting drenched in Avpin and driving the landie across a flight line by memory to find a tap
178. you've ever looked at a bald tyre and said to the Captain, "well you're not going by road are you?"
179. After standing on a freezing Apron for over an hour on a see off whilst watching the Student Puma Pilot doing his walkround , who is by now crouched down and staring up aimlessly into the port main wheel fairing, walking up to him and uttering the immortal words " Excuse me Sir, but are you flying it or buying it?"
180. You can make a cricket set out of bodge tape and kimwipe.
181. You can only play your joker once
182. A Tornado shoulder pylon fuel seal costs 200 B&H from the German storeman in Decci
183. If you tell the J Eng O how you fixed stuff without approved spares that "if you do not ask me a direct question I will not tell you a direct lie"
184. you tell the aircrew that you fixed a snag by jacking up the nosewheel and changing the aircraft
185. you've ever signed off the entire servicing of a multi-engine a/c, including the refuel, all the sups, numerous amounts of paperwork due to everyone else going sick on detachment, and hoped to god that it doesn't crash on the next flight...
186. You have made up complete breakfasts from half eaten ones out of the poly bags.
187. Spent all day working with skydrol without any problems then you get an itch in the corner of your eye just as you get to the washroom
188. NFF a box and get it back 6 months later to fix another snag, still with your 731 on it
189. Get the meals list from the cabin crew and asked what you want from remaining only to find you've got the chix curry again
190. Try to figure out how your initials on the nosewheel were always touching the ground when you stopped and never the crews!
191. When you read in the F700 'nasty smell in cockpit' and you're tempted to write 'nasty smell removed, nice smell fitted!
192. Or you may be an engineer when the driver lands and self diagnoses the snag as " Cold air unit seized", and you dutifully prove that the CAU is spinning freely NFF !! Then ask the driver if he wants to take the jet up again , and do his job , whilst you get on with yours !!
193. You've watched the sooties convince a new navigator that jet engines have pistons, just like his car.
194. When hearing the words "Emergancy State TWO" over the tannoy means drop what your doing, pile into all the wagons and get to the runway to see what happens!!
195. You've made score cards to rate the pilots landings
196. when, on detachment, your shift of villains rather kindly takes the somewhat naiive JEngess out 'for a quiet meal and a couple of drinks with the lads' How did you know that we had an early take-off the next day? And hence that Bob-the-JEngess would have to go to the Gp Capt's morning brief, as the DetCo would be grinning to himself somewhere between Turkey and Iraq at the time.
197. Over taking the SATCO on the taxiway in the landy at twice the speed limit whilst getting to the end of the runway to put the pins in the returning Q kite, then getting back and getting a bo**ocking from the jengo
198. the sunspot activity charts in the back of the on-route supplement could be used to convince Navs that the poor HF performance was due to cosmic radiation, not the fact that the radios were out of the ark
199. You leatherman and mini-mag light collection come from generous aircrew who left them in the aircraft for you to find
200. You accidently drop the flight line office door stop (3-4kgs) into the boggies helmet bag, and then direct him to his jet at the far end of the line
201. you realise how quickly time flies when you're up the front end trying to fix a Nimrod autopilot snag while the back fills up with smoke from the pitzas you found in the galley, put in the oven and then forgot about.
202. You've beaten the padlock on the front of the aircrew rations locker, by simply turning the locker round, de-riveting the back, half emptying the goodies, securing the back with Harry Black and putting locker back in original place. Unfortunatly, you might also be an Engineer if you've tried to eat 15 of the aircrew's Mars bars, from the locker, on a night shift.
203. ...you're on Det in Australia (Darwin) for Ex Pitch Black. Your C stores, LRU's and everything else needed to service eight tornados are on a boat somewhere between "Singapore and Sydney". The first wave has just returned and you've got SMS snags. At that point your ex-bay lecky JNCO traces the problem to a circuit board in the Pylon Decoder Unit. As the spares are still afloat somewhere, he calmly unscrews the PDU, fabricates a board puller from a wire coathangar (and the ubiquitous Leatherman), nips out to Radio Shack buys a soldering iron and some solder, resolders the errant diode, resistor or whatever it was, reassembles the PDU, puts it back in the pylon, carries out a WPU BITE and signs the aircraft up in time for the night wave! You just can't teach that kind of ingenuity
204. You're on Red Flag at the end of the runway and the same JNCO decides to use a chock to fix an SMS snag! Takes the chock and smartly raps the pylon quite hard to reseat the board in the PDU. WPU BITE carried out fault clears and jet launches. Fellow end of runway crews from the USN and USAF looking-on amazed finally come over to ask if he really just hit the aircraft with a chock. Calm reply is paraphrased from another great engineer tale - I charge a hundred bucks for that fix, one dollar for hitting the pylon, ninety-nine dollars for knowing where to hit it
205. you can set an adjustable in the dark by the size of indent on your hand.
206. Seeing off a VC10 full of passengers the Pilot informs you the final engine, No 1 engine will not start, you pull a safety raiser over under the Engine, jack it up and drop the door, using the same jacking handle you lay into the air start valve with relish and are comforted to hear it move over and the engine wind up, closing the cowl and crouching down you glimpse up to see an aircraft full of worried passengers faces glued to the window watching you beat the crap out of their Engine.
207. Seeing off a VC10 full of passengers you find the towbar pin is stuck in the leg, so taking the tugs towbar pin you proceed to beat it out of the hole, on the intercom you hear the pilot explaining to the passengers of a slight technical hitch that the engineers are presently rectifying over the noise of our efforts echoing down the cabin like lucifer banging on the gates of Hell..
208. the reluctant Canberra brake spider has three legs, but you only have two hands. So you use your head.
209. You've lost a torch in a Bucc's Bomb Bay and decide to tie the lowest resistance mechanic to the door and then roll it closed to see if he can find it!
210. You've ever snapped a tow bar shear pin and thought frantically if you can blame anyone else.
211. You've cursed the tosspot who's taken a tool without tagging it as the call for "all tools in" comes again, only to find you are that tosser.
212. You've played 'first to 1000' in Hunt the C*nt.
213. If you know that 'Marshalls' is a swear word.
214. You've super glued a nut & washer to your finger to get it onto an inaccessible bolt, & would rather rip the skin off your finger than start again
215. You've mixed up a tin of PRC, tipped it on its side & let it set, carefully taped up the underside of the 'mess' & left it on someones best hat just before a parade
216. You have ever been bollo**ed by your chief for deleting a file the Jengo was working on using the det laptop
217. You have ever used a land rover, two drip trays and some lashing tape on a snowy pan for " fun"
218. You have ever launched the Q jet in your underwear and boots....
219. You can never get to PSF when you are needing to.
220. You thought that 'Junior Tech' was the best rank in the RAF and Chief Tech's. were Gods! And chuffed to be a fitter instead of a mechanic
221. You are on Engineer out in the Far East when HRH arrives for a stop over and you ask the RAF Hospital for a selection of Specimen Bottles before emptying the loo!! I know because I supplied the bottles
222. You empty the contents of the Swarfega tin onto some news paper, answer the call of nature (Solids - into the tin) and replace the Swarfega. Replace tin and retire to safe distance
223. You have rushed out to a vc10, opened the bog panel, opened the bog valve to back a goodly supply behind the cap, then closed both and stood back and awaited the arrival of the new Rigger to open the just above head height Bog cap prior to emptying the tank
224. Watching one of the armourers in Gibralter, take an ejection seat stand (the one with three wheels), two broom handles and a couple of opened out poly bags and make a decent wind surfer
225. Politely telling the RAFP dog handler who is watching the jets starting to "take your hat off", then have the Chief come out on your side when said RAFP tries to charge you after the ensuing argument!
226. The Brittania that decides it has taken a liking to the firebottles during a ground run, jumps the chocks and the spits bits of broken prop through the pressure hull of the Comet 4 in the next bay
227. .....on a towing team you discover that the difference between "partial" and "total plus" fuel states is about 2 inches clearance in the vertical at 1 foot inside the crossing wingtips
228. ...you discover that the hazard light pole on the back of a tractor has similar strengh characteristics to a Jaguar pitot probe. You realise that your new best mates are the rigger/lecky/insty who "find" and fit a probe to replace the bent one.
229. You've comfortably exceeded 10,000 points at Gin on a Harrier field deployment
230. You've been spotted on the daily recce run over the site and your picture is posted by the mess tent with a big arrow and the word tosser written beside it.
231. You've fallen asleep on a hover pad slightly the worse for wear to be woken up by a plods dog licking your face.
232. You've almost slipped the surly bonds during an untied down engine run....
233. You have ever found out the aircraft destination after it has taken off or stepped of the a/c and had to ask the nearest bloke "where am I ?"
234. You know that having your tool kit on board makes it easy to turn a row of 3 seats round for the card school on one of the 'pack up' crates
235. You’ve flown back from detachment in the front seat of a landrover, because it was the most comfortable place to sit!
236. You flown back from detachment on top of the cargo because it got you closer to the sole heat source on the aircraft.
DT_Xtremez_40:
