TOP SPANNER........ The Movie

[Bitburger]

WITH APOLOGIES TO THE MAKERS AND PRODUCERS OF THE MOTION PICTURE TOP GUN

DO DO DO DER DE DOO DE DO DO DIDDY DO DIDDY DO DIDDY DO DO DO

ON THE 1 APRIL 1918 THE ROYAL AIR FORCE ESTABLISHED AN ELITE SCHOOL FOR THE TOP ONE PER CENT OF ITS TECHIES. ITS PURPOSE? TO TEACH THE LOST ART OF WIRE- LOCKING BY HAND AND TO ENSURE THAT THE HANDFUL OF MEN WHO GRADUATED WERE THE BEST TECHIES IN THE WORLD………….

THEY SUCCEEDED. THE RAF CALLED IT 1 SCHOOL of TT, THE TECHIES CALLED IT TOP SPANNER.



RAF Anywhere, …………………………

Wobbly gets called to see the Sqn Boss. It seems Wobbly’s ego had been writing cheques his body couldn’t cash.


BOSS ‘What is your problem Wobbly’

Wobbly ‘ I just want to serve my country and be the best Techie in the RAF…… SIR’

BOSS “ You are a loner Wobbly, a maverick, you are holding on to tight. Don’t you realize you are playing with Millions of pounds of the tax payers money out there?’

Wobbly “SIR , YES SIR




Boss ‘ You're a hell of a sooty,. Maybe too good. I'd like to bust your butt But I have another problem here I have to send somebody to Halton . I’m going to have to do something now that I can’t believe. Dear God I really can’t believe it I’m going to give you your dream shot, that’s right numb nuts you and that clown ( he points towards Bitburger who is stood to attention next to Wobbly) are going to Top Spanner; I have to send you up against the best. You characters are going to Top Spanner.
You only get one shot at this and Gentlemen, believe me, if you screw this up you are going to be servicing aircraft that are carring plastic dog sh1T out of Hong Kong for the rest of your lives…. NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE.


Spanner Town Halton …………

Wobbly, Bitburger and the rest of the aces selected for Top Spanner are sat in a classroom, in walks the senior instructor of Top Spanner, the legend that is Sausage2

Sausage2 ‘Good morning Gentlemen. You guys are not just the best, you are the best of the best, but we at Top Spanner are going to make you better. We are going to push you to your limits and then push some more’.


Wobbly whispers something to Bitburger

Sausage2 ‘ What you thinking Wobbly?


Wobbly ‘ I was just wondering, who is the best? Sir

Sausage2 ‘ I’ll tell you who the best is son. The best is the one who will get their name engraved on this here shield. Is your name going to be on it Wobbly?

Wobbly ‘ Yes sir

Sausage2 “ Well, that’s mighty arrogant considering the company you’re in’

Wobbly “Yes sir’


Sausage2 ‘ Well I like that in a spanner jockey’.

Later that night in the Spanner town NAAFI Bop



Bitburger “ Who is that tosser in the CS95 fighting over there?’

Wobbly ‘ Don’t know buddy but check out the women here, this is what I call a target rich environment. It’s time............

Bitburger ‘ I hate, hate it when you do this.’

Wobbly saunters over to the bar where a woman is sat, all alone, he taps her arm

Wobbly ‘ Excuse me Miss’

Woman ‘ What?’

Wobbly and Bitbuger burst into song
‘ You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips. There’s no teanderness like before in your fingertips. You’r trying hard not to show it Baby. But Baby, Baby I know it. You’ve lost that loving feeling. Oooooooooo that loving feeling ……………..‘


Woman ' I love that song. That's a new approach.
How long have you been doing this act?

Wobbly' ' I don't know. Since.......


Woman-' Puberty?'. I'm Doris.

-Wobbly- I'm Wobbly.


Woman ' Did your mother not like you?'

Wobbly- 'No, it's my call sign.'


Woman 'You're a techie?

Wobbly 'That's right. A Royal Air Force Techie. Actually, we've only done this twice'.

-Woman 'How did you do?'

Wobbly Crashed and burned on the first one.

Woman- 'And the second?'

Wobbly ' I'll tell you tomorrow. But it's looking good so far.


The Woman gets up and walks to the Ladies room, Wobbly follows her in. A few minutes later he returns to Bitburger who is stood drinking at the Bar

Bitburger ‘ How you get on Buddy?’

Wobbly “ Crashed and Burned buddy, Crashed and Burned, it wasn’t pretty.

TO BE CONTINUED>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[Bitburger]

TOP SPANNER The Movie Part 2

TOP SPANNER The Movie Part 2

Wobbly and Bitburger are sat in a lecture room at the Kermode Hall Aeronautics Facility in Spannertown, Chief Instructor sausage2 walks into the room and addressers the Top Spanner course

Sausage2 ‘ Today we will be looking at equipment that will be used by the enemy you might find yourselves up against. To present this lecture is the West's most knowledgeable Middle East equipment specialist.'

The door at the rear of the room swing open and the clicking sound of stiletto heels echoed around the room. All the heads turn as one. It was the Chick who jettisoned Wobbly the previous night;

Sausage2 ‘ Gentlemen this is is Doris call sign Doris. You had better listen to her because HQ Strike listen to her.

Doris ‘ Good morning Gentlemen, today we are going to be looking at theTumansky R-33D turbofan as fitted to the MIG 29 which is operated by many Middle Eastern countries. It is a good engine but it does have its problems. Thet can't carry out boroscope inspections and have to strip the engine down to inspect it’

Wobbly and Bitburger exchange a few mumbled words, NOP does not approve


Doris ‘ Do you pair have a problem……?

Wobbly ‘ Errrrrrrr, yes Ma am, that data is incorrect


Doris ‘ and how do you figure that?


Wobbly' That's classified. I could tell you,but then I'd have to kill you.


Doris' I have Top Secret clearance. MOD sees to it that I know more than you.


Bitburger Well, it doesn't seem to be the case here


Wobbly ‘ Well….. on our last Sqn exchange to Poland, I……….

Bitburger. ‘WE………’

Wobbly ‘ Sorry, WE managed to gain access to the Tumansky Propulsion Bay and we clearly say them boroscoping engines’

Doris ‘ and what were you two doing at this time?'

Bitburger 'Communicating. Keeping up foreign relations. I was, you know, giving him the bird.You know, the finger



Bitbuger raises his middle finger and flips the birds

Doris 'I know the finger........'



Bitburger ‘ Sorry, I hate it when it does that.

Doris. 'So you’re the ones………………………'

Woobly and Bitburger ‘ Yes ma am'


Later that week the Top Spanner course are assembled near a Tornado GR1 down at the airfield for some combat engine ground running..

Sausage2 “ ok this is your first hop so maximum revs today is 90% NH. LETS GO’


Wobbly and Bitburger ‘ I feel the need…….................. the need for thrust,


Wobbly and Bitburger are 15 minutes into the engine ground run

Wobbly ‘ He is out there somewhere, keep your eyes peeled


Bitburger ‘ I’m looking, I’m looking’

Sausage2’s voice booms out over the radio ‘ You can run but can’t hide kid

Bitburger ‘It’s sausage2, we can take him, Holy Sh1t, We're head-to-head. Rock and roll! Here's our big chance

.
Wobbly ‘ I've got him, I’ve got him, Jesus, he's good. Where's he going?


In a bid to escape sausage2 Wobbly slams both throttles to max combat power, but to no avail. The engines had been built by the demoralized sooties at RAF Marham TPF and immediately surged. As Wobbly throttles back to ground idle in an attempt to clear the surge, sausage2 was making his way around the back of the jet.


Bitburger ‘ He’s in our six


Wobbly ‘ Hold tight’

Wobbly flicked into lane2 and selected reverse thrust, but sausage2 could not be shaken off. Sausage2 moved to the 3 o clock position

Bitburger ‘He’s by the Houchin’

But before Wobbly could react, sausage2 reached the Houchin control panel and tripped out AC power. Wobbly realized to late he had been running with the aircraft battries selected to off. Both engines accelerated swiftly to oblivion.

Bitburger ‘ Jeez, What’s Happening . What’s Happening Wobbs

Wobbly This is not good. We've got a flame-out. Engine one is out... Engine two is out. I can’t control it. It’s no good, Bitburger time to get out’

Bitburger ‘ Do it man, do it’

Wobbly “ Bitburger, I can’t reach the canopy handle. You’ll have to punch us out from back there. Watch the canopy'

Bitburger reaches forward and operates the canopy release handle. The canopy opens smoothly and Wobbly leaps from the cockpit. But Bitburger’s throat mic had caught on the canopy and his lifeless body swung slowly in the wind…………




The place, Spanner Town

Wobbly is inconsolable after losing his buddy Bitburger in a tragic ground running incident Sausage2 walks quietly into the room.

Sausage2 ‘ How you doing Wobbly

Wobbly Ok

Sausage2 ‘ Bitburger is dead

Wobbly ‘You think I don’t know that? Damn it, he was my responsibility’.

Sausage2 ‘ If you ground run engines long enough something like this will happen. You have got to let him go.

Wobbly ; I can’t

Sausage2 ‘ Listen son I spannered with your old man in Gulf war 1, he would not have let this get to him’.


Wobbly takes no part in the rest of the course but he has gained enough points to graduate with the rest of the Top Spanner course who are now all gathered in Kermode hall awaiting their postings. Sausage2 hands out the assignments ( freshly printed off JPA) he walks over to Wobbly

Sausage2 ‘ You will get your new partner when you arrive at your new unit Wobbly. If you don't... ......... ...give me a call. I'll ground run with you





DOO DO DO DER DE DOOODY DO DO DER DE DO DER DE DO DOO DOOOOOO


THE END

 

[UpLander]

Critical Acclaim for "Top Spanner"

Critical Acclaim for "Top Spanner"

Bit burger, I had to go and buy a new keyboard thanks to you, I cried laughing into my last one. You are a genius Sir, I bow down before you. You obviously had too much time on your hands as well as too much to drink last night. Cheers mate, made my evening!!! DT_Xtremez_30: DT_Xtremez_30: DT_Xtremez_30: DT_Xtremez_30:

 

[Arseix]

Genius!DT_Xtremez_28:

 

[Bill Bones]

LEGENDS!

Hahhahaha, just awesome. Hmmmm, I reckon PS and ILLBW coulda been utilised too DT_Xtremez_14:

Will there be any more E-Goat Movie spoofs....? You could do a Full Metal Jacket version of CCS

 

[Bitburger]

LEGENDS!

Hahhahaha, just awesome. Hmmmm, I reckon PS and ILLBW coulda been utilised too DT_Xtremez_14:

Will there be any more E-Goat Movie spoofs....? You could do a Full Metal Jacket version of CCS

PS was used see ref to tossser in CS95

 

[Penguins Suck]

right listen in yous beerburger bloke dont yous go posting about me i neva saw yous in a bop if i did i wud gives yous a right kiking you fat techie tw@at. anyways why yous still posting it say in story yous is dead so yous shud only post in the spooks area now

 

[macthegooner]

anyways why yous still posting it say in story yous is dead so yous shud only post in the spooks area now

Quality Story mate, made my night shift go that little bit quicker.. and talking of spooky things the might TG was on the dig'icul box as well..And PS mate, your genious scares the living sh1t3 out of me mate

 

[mad_collie]

Quality Story mate, made my night shift go that little bit quicker.. and talking of spooky things the might TG was on the dig'icul box as well..And PS mate, your genious scares the living sh1t3 out of me mate

Totally agree MTG - that is clever posting.

Bitburger - more more more . . . . .keep it going fella, quality DT_Xtremez_30:

 

[Mrs_Monobrow]

Bitburger that was great, my jaw aches from laughing so much!!!

I am a little worried however, just how many times have you actually seen Top Gun?????

Apart from changing certain info to make it relevant to techies, the dialogue is almost spot on!!!!!

Looking forward to many more though!!

DT_Xtremez_28:

 

[Stax]

If this was made into a movie, I could see loads of Techies in the cinema, going through all the actions and dialogue a'la growbags and "Top Gun". That would be so sureal it would take on legendary status! Can I suggest ILLBW in the "Iceman" role?

 

[gemarriott]

Bitburger that was great, my jaw aches from laughing so much!!!

I am a little worried however, just how many times have you actually seen Top Gun?????

Apart from changing certain info to make it relevant to techies, the dialogue is almost spot on!!!!!

Looking forward to many more though!!

DT_Xtremez_28:

Hang on a minute,, you are worried about how many times Bitburger has seen the Top Gun? Hmn pot and kettle syndrome methinksDT_Xtremez_30:

 

[Mrs_Monobrow]

Hang on a minute,, you are worried about how many times Bitburger has seen the Top Gun? Hmn pot and kettle syndrome methinksDT_Xtremez_30:

Ok fair point, but ive watched it lots cos im lusting after tom cruise, unless thats bitburgers excuse as well?!!

DT_Xtremez_42:

 

[gemarriott]

Ok fair point, but ive watched it lots cos im lusting after tom cruise, unless thats bitburgers excuse as well?!!

DT_Xtremez_42:

I hope not DT_Xtremez_34: I think it is more likely the seamed stockinged leg of Kelly Mcguinnes DT_Xtremez_14:

 

[Mrs_Monobrow]

I hope not DT_Xtremez_34: I think it is more likely the seamed stockinged leg of Kelly Mcguinnes DT_Xtremez_14:

Ahh yes i forgot about her.

But you only see them once for all of 5 seconds. Come on bitburger, please explain how you know the dialogue so well *Mrs M confused!* DT_Xtremez_35:

 

[Bitburger]

Ahh yes i forgot about her.

But you only see them once for all of 5 seconds. Come on bitburger, please explain how you know the dialogue so well *Mrs M confused!* DT_Xtremez_35:

Dears Mrs Monobrow

Its Kelly McGillis

MMMMMMMMMM

I might have seen the film once or twice plus a little help from google.


Hope this helps

 

[MrMasher]

That was absolutely brilliant!!!!!!
Having recently done a rigger to sooty course I actually understood it as well!!!!!
Well done, you are a literary genius.

............wanders off to change peed undies............

 

[Mrs_Monobrow]

Dears Mrs Monobrow

Its Kelly McGillis

MMMMMMMMMM

I might have seen the film once or twice plus a little help from google.


Hope this helps

Ok ok i get it now. anymore in the pipe line??

 

[The Masked Geek]

Amused yes greatly

Infact all 5 of us are. Don't think we are amused on the same level bitty beer.

I can't handle you calling him Bitty, it brings back memories of the Little Britain sketch...DT_Xtremez_34:

 

[The Masked Geek]

I still don't understand what your talking about. When I think of bitty beer I actually imagine a pint of beer with a handle. There are quite a few on site I see as there Icons and TMG I can hardly call you geeky can I. I am sure you would get upset.

The Little Britain sketch has a fully grown man asking his mother for "Bitty" and when she eventually gives in, he starts suckling on her wrinkly t1t.